(no subject)

[ewt]

Thanks, xiphias, for having the courage to start this.

It's the Ten Days of Repentance, the period of time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur when we go into overdrive to try to repair any damaged relationships we have with each other.

If there is anything which I did over the past year which hurt or upset you, please let me know. If you want to discuss it publically, please leave a comment below; if you'd like to discuss it privately, email me at [livejournal at ewt dot anarres dot org].

I will see whether I can make amends, and make right anything which I have done wrong.

I don't promise that I can. But I do promise that I will try.

Comments

[taoist-goth.livejournal.com]

Don't you try to repair damaged relationships as soon as the damage occurs? Why wait for TDoR? That's like waiting until Christmas to give someone a present. (Not trying to be fractious...it just struck me as a bit odd, is all).

[ali-in-london.livejournal.com]

I think it's that over the Ten Days of Repentance, people are consiously getting into a frame of mind where they are ready to hear critisism and faults about them, so it's more useful and helpful to hear the niggles now, although that's not saying that you can't say anything at any other time of year if you feel it's important.

[taoist-goth.livejournal.com]

Still seems a bit bizarre that there's a set time of the year in which you're especially nice - kinda implies it's a bit "put on" and that the other 355 days of the year you're being your usual self?

It's a bit like Valentine's Day - like it's an excuse not to be romantic for 364 days a year.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

No, no no no no NO!

'Nice' has nothing to do with it. It's more about the fact that we are all imperfect, and spiritually these ten days are a sort of concentrated chance to try to be better people, a call to wake up and take account of the past year in order to try to improve next time round (ie next year). Nobody could deal with this sort of spiritual intensity all the time without forfeiting other areas of sanity. If I tried, every day, to think of every mistake I've made in the past year and resolve to do better next year, it would fail, miserably, and probably drive me insane. A lot of the time we only see our mistakes in hindsight. A lot of the time we need to distance ourselves emotionally before we can apologise. So, we need to look back at big chunks of time, but we can't do it constantly, every day. So we do it once in a while. Having a specific time of year for it means it gets done.

And Valentine's Day is NO excuse to not be romantic the rest of the year. I've had this discussion before, elsewhere.

I'm a seasonal beast. To everything there is a season, yada yada yada. I find that organising my life around seasons helps me to be more effective and happier. Time is central to the way I live and seasons are just bigger chunks of time. I know this model doesn't work for everyone, but it mostly works for me.

Right now in my chosen faith it is the season for introspection, self-examination, recognition of where I've messed up and trying to fix things that should already have been fixed.

With regard to sins against God (maybe I broke Shabbat, or ate a ham and cheese sandwich), it is a time to repent, see where we went wrong, resolve to do better next time and figure out how to do so. With regard to sins against others (which are also sins against God, in this particular model, since God made everything) it isn't enough to be sorry - if I have wronged another person I have to make amends to them and have THEIR forgiveness before I will get forgiveness from God. NB 'sin' is a very loose term which doesn't really carry the same connotations in standard Western culture as it does in Judaism.

If apology/making amends weren't genuine then the transgressions presumably wouldn't be forgiven and there wouldn't be much point. It would actually be worse, from a spiritual standpoint, to do this insincerely than not at all.

[free2003.livejournal.com]

that would drive my conscience insane.

[taoist-goth.livejournal.com]

Sorry, being a Taoist none of this really makes any sense to me....

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

I do try to repair damaged relationships as soon as I realise there has been damage, and as soon as I am capable of doing so.

Sometimes I don't realise the damage (people don't always communicate clearly), or I'm not in a position to address the problem at the time, or the other person isn't ready yet. Or, sometimes, it just gets put off. In theory it would be great to fix everything right away, or for that matter to give people gifts as and when it occurs to me. In reality, I can't always do that, and a bit of structure makes sure it eventually DOES get done. Or I at least try. This doesn't mean that I don't try the rest of the year, just that I'm not perfect and having a specific season for things helps me.

I'm not sure if this makes sense.

[free2003.livejournal.com]

your a good woman ewts. you've always done me right. i appreciated that too. *hugs* love ya.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Hmm. For me, it's not that you DON'T give presents on Christmas, or on someone's birthday -- it's just that, around those times, you go out of your way to think of what a good present would be. The rest of the year, if you see something that would make a good present, sure, you get it for the person. . . but you're not going to set aside time to specifically think about presents unless you have a reason to. At least, that's how it works for me.

Similarly, when I notice that I've hurt someone or have a damaged relationship, I repair it immediately. But now is the time of year when I set aside time to sit down and really LOOK at all my relationships, and see if there's damage there that I've not noticed, or see if I've hurt people unintentionally, and been unaware of it. And it's the time that I set aside to really do work on the difficult ones -- the relationships that, the rest of the year, you just say, "It's not worth it, it's too much work, there's too much damage there to even be worth trying."

Frankly, for those last ones, they're often just too broken to fix, but at least there's a time of year when I try to, anyway.

So, even though one SHOULD be romantic, and giving presents, and repairing relationships all throughout the year, it can be still, nonetheless, valuable to set aside specific times to pay especial attention to those things. I find it hard to be doing as well as I should in all the things I should be doing well at, at the same time. At least I can have one time a year when I'm paying the kind of attention to whatever it is that I really SHOULD be paying all the time, but just don't have the time or energy to maintain.

[ali-in-london.livejournal.com]

Ummm, seeing as I live with you, I should have a whole truckload of stuff, but I don't really. I think we tend to deal with things as they come up. I'll think about it.

In the spirit of the festival, is there anything you've been meaning to tell me that has annoyed or upset you?

[vampwillow]

"anything which I did over the past year which hurt or upset you"

nothing bad at all ... nothing to make amends for ... no wrongs to put right here.

[halocy.livejournal.com]

you are a good woman ewt =)
you have never done anything to me in a negative light. you have always been supportive and kind.

Thank you.

Jem