I lose.

[ewt]

Not a good day. Started out alright and then I was late for busking and then when I eventually left I got about as far as Canary Wharf and then just couldn't deal any more and turned around and came home and spent most of the day alternating between crying and sleeping and having nightmares. Half of what I was crying about was having no money, of course, which is not terribly helpful - going out and busking today would have been helpful, in that I would have a bit more money. Still not nearly enough, but a hell of a lot more than I've got now. Oh, and I did something odd to the fourth finger on my left hand and it hurts; still have a full range of motion and so on, so I don't think there's much to be done about it except wait for it to stop hurting. Ankle is nearly better but I'm nervous of Aikido tonight. I didn't manage busking yesterday morning either but at least I sat in Green Park and tried to organise some things.

Maybe forgetting to take my medication today was a bad thing, although judging by the 2 or 3 times I've forgotten in the past, it doesn't usually do that to me until evening. Good one, ewt. Way to self-sabotage.

What with all the crying and the sleeping I didn't get much done today. I had lunch. I updated my wishlist, which is a reality-avoiding timesink if ever there was one. As if things are really going to make me feel better. Still, a lot of them will make my life circumstantially easier and more convenient, and there's value in that in and of itself. I hope.

I don't think the brainhacker or the GP or the head of Student Services really know how debilitating this depression thing can be sometimes. It's so fucking hard. Hell, on my good days, I don't really acknowledge how bad it can be; for example, this might normally be a post I write and then delete, or filter heavily so only some people can see it. And I always try to show my good side, present a brave face to the world, pretend I'm getting on okay, so it's not like I can blame anyone for not understanding, really, is it? It's so heavily engrained in me that I musn't inconvenience anyone, mustn't upset anyone, with anything as trivial and unimportant as my feelings. And I'm angry about that, because I shouldn't have been taught those things. I should have been taught that it's okay to look after myself, and I wasn't. I should have been taught it's safe to say what I think, discuss how I feel, even put my own needs first sometimes, but I wasn't, and now I'm trying to teach myself but I'm really struggling, and no matter how much I desperately want to believe that everything will be okay, that disaster could happen (and does) but I'll still be me and people will still like me enough to give me a hug, there's this cold, dark part of me that just says, "Yeah, right." The world doesn't work that way.

But at the end of the day, pretending everything is alright, trying to find the silver lining, is the only coping technique that I have that even comes close to working, in terms of trying to have a 'normal' life and getting anything done and fitting into some of the basic things that society expects. Hiding under the duvet like I did today doesn't work. So the things I were taught - well, they're not entirely misguided. My feelings, pathetic or not, don't alter the fact that rent must be paid. How can I be angry that people who cared about me taught me the best they knew and just tried to stop me from turning into a spoiled brat? It's so easy to look back with hindsight and be really recriminating, to pick over every single inappropriate punishment, every harsh word uttered in frustration, every small abandonment and to become enraged. What's the point, though? I know they cared, I know they tried their best with the information and resources they had at the time... it isn't really their fault I'm so afraid. And now I'm getting so much help, again - from Trinity, from the brainhacker, from my friends - yeah, me with friends - and it still isn't enough. The common factor here is me, folks, not how I was raised or what my relationships have been like or how much money I have/haven't. I am the one that has to find a way out of this, and not really knowing what to do doesn't change that, and even if I could legitimately blame anyone else for how I got here, it wouldn't change it.

And even having written this I feel like going back to erase it all to protect the feelings of those who care.


Good grief. Hand, staple, forehead.

So what can I do to salvage this day? Take my medication - late is better than missing the dose. Put clean sheets on the bed, get a load a laundry in so I can hang it out tomorrow morning if it isn't raining. Do the washing up. Iron my Aikido kit. Practise horn. Have some supper. Choose a bit of the living room and tidy it properly.

I'll be lucky to get half of that done in my current state, but even half wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Send hugs.

Comments

[yaqub.livejournal.com]

In my experience, those who care much rather here the truth.

Not that I take that advice myself, of course: plenty of what you wrote here I could apply to me (barring the depression).

Incidentally, ever heard that FINE is actually an acronym for Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional?

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

No, I hadn't heard the acronym. It's a good one; thanks for sharing.

I just wish I could have enough reliable good days to not end up making my situation worse. A little stability would help me so much.

[403.livejournal.com]

*hugs, if appropriate from a quasi-random person*

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

Pretty fractal icon. What kind? Is it actually called a Dragon Curve fractal or does it have another name? Not that it'll mean anything to me, it's been such a long time since I learned anything about fractals.

[403.livejournal.com]

Yep. Dragon curve is a generic term for a set of fractals; this one's a render of the Harter-Heighway dragon curve (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Dragon_curve). :) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon_curve) ()

[karen2205]

Sending masses of hugs and empathy and kittens and purple stuff and other nice things:-/

Did you mean to leave this post public?

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs. Kittens would be WONDERFUL. I want a kitten!

For the time being I do want to leave it public, but I may well lock it in future. I don't like to air my dirty laundry, but there's also a dishonesty in pretending everything is okay.

[sigrid-stallard.livejournal.com]

I was treated for depression and nervous disorders when i was a kid and eventually didn't get any treatment anymore. I now do mostly what you say you have been taught, try to get through it without making a nuisance of myself. I am not claiming that i now ever get as sad and low as debilitating low as you have experienced today, but sometimes a I am so vulnerable that a butterfly can push me over.

I do understand I think we all have to find how to deal with it our own way. One medicine or one method doesn't fit all and as it is something you very much have to see through all of your life, you will find ways of your own to get through these dark patches. I usually eat and listen to sad music and just generally myself back to utter relief or exhaustion and then I dance and do something very creative or spoil somebody I know with a present or surprise. i find seeing other people happy or even appreciating my efforts makes me feel better.

I personally have chosen never to accept medicine for depression again, but that is my way and I am alright on it.

You find your own way and always try to remember that life is still wonderful and tomorrow you will feel very different and everything will be good again. *drying your tears and passing the chocolate over*


Find your own way and don't worry what other people might think.
xxx

[(Anonymous)]

More hugs - from one who loves you dearly
11 June

[(Anonymous)]

a hug...

from a complete stranger...

but a hug nevertheless...

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[fwuffydragon.livejournal.com]

Hugs!

You may find this book useful ... I did - it's an ebook and is freely available online:

http://www.thewayup.com/upfrmdwn.htm

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'll have a look.

[doseybat.livejournal.com]

Wellwishes! You do a superhuman amount of Stuff, and you do it very well and you do it all the time! I wish I could do that much Stuff and have that much enthusiasm for it. Let me know if you are up for being visited and brought Friendly Edible Things and Friendly Green Growing Things.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

It would be good to have a visit sometime soon. I'm not sure when, though; tomorrow I am busy most of the day, and Sunday I'm getting ready to go away, and then I'm not back until Wednesday night.

[didian.livejournal.com]

yet another hug from a complete stranger

*hugs*

Hope tomorrow's sun shines brighter. :o)

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks. And I like the icon, very much.

[synergetic.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

These days happen. Curling up in a ball under the duvet is a pretty natural reaction to that kind of day. But you're not staying there. You're trying instead to salvage the day. Doing that is hard work, I know, and requires phenominal will-power. To those who don't understand depression, no matter what you do today, you'll seem pathetic and weak. But to those who do, we'll know that you didn't lie down and give up and what that must have cost you. You're doing well. Don't give up.

*more hugs*

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I'm not giving up, but I don't know how many more times I can force myself to keep going. My reserves of willpower are limited; I run out of buffer so easily.

[pfy.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Go you for salvaging stuff. You could put music on while you do some of the other things.

*'nother hug*

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks.

You busy tonight?

[pfy.livejournal.com]

Don't think so. Do you have anything in mind? If not, you could come round and eat more pie.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Was thinking you should come here and we should see if there are any plums left in the park.

And I have apples here, ones I picked in Devon, that need to be made into something.

[mstevens.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[poggle.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[mirrorshard.livejournal.com]

*hugs, and a few interesting shiny sparkly LED-equipped things from the show*

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Oooh shiny...

[wildcelticrose.livejournal.com]

Hugs on the way.

When I get down (and I mean way down in the dumps)I often take a day and night to indulge it.

I'll not answer phone calls or emails, indulge in whatever food and beverage and bad TV/DVD I wish, and just allow myself a damn fine wallow.

Once that's done, then I worry about what to do next.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I think if I tried the "get it out of my system" approach I'd probably just wallow permanently. But I am trying to be gentle with myself today.

[khalinche.livejournal.com]

You're allowed to take care of yourself however you see fit. If it's a situation where struggling on makes you feel worse and worse - and believe me I've had London days like that - then the duvet is an acceptable option.

Whenever I got round to telling people that I suffered from depression, or that I was on anti-depressants, or that I had been on anti-depressants for x years, they always looked surprised and said, 'I always thought of you as the last person to be depressed'. We get so damn good at hiding it that we even forget it ourselves, and then with the over exertion and the stress comes The Badness and if you're anything like me this feeds into a natural instinct to castigate yourself for not being better able to deal with it all.

Don't punish yourself for acknowledging that some days you need to rest and be gentle. It took me a long time to learn to allow myself nice things knowing that they would make me feel better - nice things being time off to walk in a park or go to an interesting neighbourhood or a morning with newspaper and croissant or an afternoon in a museum. They're medicine, respect them as such.

Oh, and *hugs*

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thought you put into this reply.

If it's a situation where struggling on makes you feel worse and worse - and believe me I've had London days like that - then the duvet is an acceptable option.

What worries me is that it's getting harder to do the same things. Obviously there's something I'm doing that isn't sustainable, for the brain-b0rkedness to be pulling me further and further down like this, but I'm not entirely sure what it is. Or maybe it isn't anything, maybe it's just biochemical, but that doesn't make it any easier to solve the practical problems that come with having severe limits on the sort of mental wherewithal it takes to get through a day. Citalopram is helpful in a lot of ways - my mood is much better than it was last autumn. Now I have a day like this once or twice a week, whereas then it was pretty much every day. But even on the days where my mood is good, my ability to get up and do something is limited. I'll play solitaire or mess about online or read - especially read - words are like little tranquilizers to me, they make the thinking-around-in-circles go away, but only by replacing it with someone else's thinking for the time that I'm reading, adn as soon as I stop it comes back.

I don't really know how to balance my need to be gentle with myself with, say, my need to pay rent. Clearly, only doing what I feel like doing isn't the answer, at least not in the short and medium term... because very often I don't feel like doing anything, and then I feel awful for it. I do actually like busking but sometimes I can't face all the people. I used to be able to rely on myself to grit my teeth and get it over with and it was never really so bad afterward, but this summer I've barely been able to manage that. The result is a great deal of financial hardship, which brings its own stress. It isn't really being gentle to chicken out of busking, but I've come to a point where sometimes it's just too hard anyway.

That said, I'm trying to take it easy today. I had very supportive company yesterday evening and this morning, and that helps. I used my lightbox, because maybe part of this is just that since I got back to London I haven't had as much time outside as I should for this time of year. I didn't make it out of the house in time for busking, but I did run some errands. I chose some nice things to eat for lunch, which I'll do shortly. I'm planning to have a bath with sparklies. and a walk in the park at some point, maybe pick some plums if they haven't all been devoured by the birds. I will practise, because I always feel better after that, and if I set a very low time limit then it won't seem insurmountable. I'm trying not to stress about money even though the situation is quite dire at the moment; it's scary, but I'm also in a position where there are people who will help me out if they can, much as I'm afraid to test that.

It gets better, right?

[kake]

I don't think you lose. You try. You force yourself out of your comfort zone, rather than hiding inside it all the time. Nobody can ask more of you than that.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

It's distressing to think about how much this is affecting my ability to have a normal life, whatever that is. Forcing myself outside my comfort zone doesn't seem to be stretching the comfort zone very much - instead it seems to be shrinking. I'm not sure what to do about this.

[crankles.livejournal.com]

And I always try to show my good side, present a brave face to the world, pretend I'm getting on okay, so it's not like I can blame anyone for not understanding, really, is it? It's so heavily engrained in me that I musn't inconvenience anyone, mustn't upset anyone, with anything as trivial and unimportant as my feelings.

Ouch. You're taking me back to some dark, dark days of my own. *wince*

I have also felt that anger, especially upon realizing that this "be a nice, happy girl" bullshit really fucked me up! The worst thing I ever did for myself was to pretend that everything was ok. On one hand, it did help me avoid the hassle of having to explain, fend off well-meant but not appreciated advice, etc. On the other hand, it pushed the problem deeper so that it took twice as long to get past. I have made a vow that I will never, ever wear that mask again, except for practical reasons.

How can I be angry that people who cared about me taught me the best they knew and just tried to stop me from turning into a spoiled brat? It's so easy to look back with hindsight and be really recriminating, to pick over every single inappropriate punishment, every harsh word uttered in frustration, every small abandonment and to become enraged. What's the point, though? I know they cared, I know they tried their best with the information and resources they had at the time... it isn't really their fault I'm so afraid.

I had similar issues with my parents and sister, and the anger didn't die down until I stopped trying to tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling it. Just being aware of the damage they did, intentional or not, was the first step in holding my head up and walking past it.

*hug* It looks like you have many friends who want you as you are, happy or depressed - I hope that gets easier to remember.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

I had similar issues with my parents and sister, and the anger didn't die down until I stopped trying to tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling it. Just being aware of the damage they did, intentional or not, was the first step in holding my head up and walking past it.

It's that whole "value judgements are bad!" thing again, isn't it? If we have these opinions about what we should do or feel, and measure the reality against that impossible standard, it makes all sorts of trouble.

*hug* It looks like you have many friends who want you as you are, happy or depressed - I hope that gets easier to remember.

I'm always quite amazed by the response I do get here. I don't actually write the posts to try to get attention or anything... it's more a way of clarifying my thoughts with language. Sometimes I can't even identify what I feel until I have put it into words.

But yes. I have a lot of support. Maybe that's part of why I'm breaking so much now - it's finally safe to do so.

[nuala.livejournal.com]

I have a good friend who goes through similar phases, very close to what you described actually. I never know what to say to her either, except to hang in there, and to remind her that I am there if she needs anything, that she's not an inconvenience.

I think there's nothing wrong with a self-indulgent miserable sorta day every only once in a while. Sometimes it helps to get it out of your system and move on in the morning.

I read your later post. I'm glad the day perked up a bit. Hang in there. :-)

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

Having a good routine helps me, so I'm trying to focus on planning one for when I get back to Trinity.

[harlicat.livejournal.com]

This entry speaks volumes to me. I thank you for having the courage to let it stay as it is. I don't think I could write truth like that at the moment. Not only in relation to knowing you better, and understanding how you could possibly be the amazingly brave and talented person I think you are, but also in hoping that the things I myself fear are not totally misguided and irrational.

I've spent quite a few days and nights lately hiding under the duvet and crying about nothing and everything. About worries and fears for how my life might be, and how decisions I have to make now will determine that life. But it wasn't until sombody else, somebody I love dearly and trust utterly, told me to just stop it, that I really stopped to think about what anybody else thought my feelings were.

It might seem like a really rational thing to others and even to yourself on good days to just stop it, get over it and get on with getting the rent paid, as you put it. But then there's that overwhelming factor in your head that nobody can take into account but you - and to be honest I don't see how it is at all possible for anyone but you to understand those. So you have to trust yourself, to a degree, to be able to do justice to your feelings first, and your physical needs (shelter, food) whenever you get the chance.

I hardly pretend to understand the intricate balance of being what others see as functional, and being what you see as neccessary, as I am nowhere near a perfect example. But do know that there are a thousand million pixelated hugs heading your way, and even a prayer or two to an unknown deity that one day you find that balance.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

So you have to trust yourself, to a degree, to be able to do justice to your feelings first, and your physical needs (shelter, food) whenever you get the chance.

Indeed.

And I guess it's easier for other people to help me out with the physical needs while I sort my head out than it is for me to run around trying to ensure my physical needs are met without trying to deal with the inside of my head.

I actually have quite a good life, for which I am grateful. How this happened despite all the botched decisions, I'm not sure. The odd thing is that the really big decisions, I didn't agonise over too much. Deciding to go to uni away from home? Easy. Quitting uni after two years and moving to England to chase shevek? Difficult, but the hard part wasn't deciding to do it, the hard part was telling my parents. Going back to uni again after four years out? Took some courage adn some organisation but there wasn't really a question over whether I should do it. Getting an essay done? Excruciating. Brushing my teeth regularly? Overwhelming. Changing out of my clothes and into my pyjamas? Many nights, impossible. It sounds pretty silly to try to explain that yes, I do a cost/benefit analysis in my head every time I do any small piece of self-care, but that's what I do.

And I guess, too, part of finding the balance is taking the risks and making the mistakes and that means that yes, I'll have bad days. There are lessons in all of this somewhere, I just haven't learned them yet, or haven't become skilled at applying the answers. I'll get there. But oy vey, yesterday was tough.